The REAL Fake News

Volume 1, Issue 3 of Fake News

by Vic Zarley

Lobotomy Training

BrainsurgeryNew classes are starting soon through your employment. In a matter of months you will be able to draw blood from people and take their bodily fluids as well so that they can be tested. You'll also learn how important it is to always wash your hands after you perform your task.

If someone wants to give you a piece of their mind, you should be able to handle that as well.

Elephant in the Room

When Mr. George Smith went to a political fund raiser party in Washington, D.C. last month, an elephant was sitting in one of the rooms just minding his own business, eating from a bowl of peanuts. Mr. Smith wanted to talk to someone Elephantabout it, but couldn't muster the courage to do so. He figured everyone could see the pachyderm as clearly as he could so why bring it up?

The elephant stayed the entire evening, leaving only when the other party-goers left. He was last seen sauntering down the sidewalk, waving his trunk back and forth. Mr. Smith reported, “It was a strange evening at this party, which consisted mainly of democrats. Their mascot is the donkey, isn't it? Why the elephant was in that room is very puzzling.”

Is Hollywood Coming to Your House?

Iconic Hollywood Legends have just emerged from a conference that lasted just under two hours (the average length of their movies) in which they discussed ways to help people relate to their movies. One idea that emerged from this conference and that seemed to fly well with everyone (including the top bananas), was this:

Hollywood SignAll the major movie stars would like to come to your house and live with you for a while so they can get a better grip on the “average” movie goer's state of mind. Each of these famous Hollywood icons will watch you as you do your routine household tasks, observe you as you relate with your family, and participate in any emotional outbursts you might have in order to further their acting abilities.

When you go to work, they will tag along, watching as you make lug nuts at the lug nut factory, or as you make pizza at the local pizza parlor or as you sell merchandise at your local discount store. Where ever you live and work, they will hover over you and try to fully embrace what you do in life as well as what you do for a living.

One iconic Hollywood legend said, “When does this begin? I'm anxious to get started. I'd really like to know the people who go to my movies. When they finish a scene, do I say, 'Cut'? Who says, 'Cut'? Who says, 'Action' when we begin? If I don't like what happened, or the way that it happened, can we re-shoot?”

Spanish Govt Apologizes for Making Two Words
That Sound Alike Have Different Meanings

In an unprecedented move, the Spanish government apologized to the people today for making pero (which is the English equivalent of the conjunction "but") almost the same as perro, Dogwhich means dog. Sure, they added an extra r in the word that means dog, but that only disguised the fact that the words were basically the same. Somebody goofed and for the first time in any nation's history, a nation is publically apologizing for pero and perro being so much alike.

Apparently if a word has two r's you roll your r's. This could help distinguish between the two words. If you want to call your "perro" be sure to roll your r's or you'll be calling your conjunction, "pero" (or "but") which could be embarrassing.

There are many words in the English language that are pronounced the same but have different meanings. It is just the way our language is. Spain, however, does not have the same flexibility as we do so an apology was necessary and was rendered.

Scientists Apologize for God as He Put the Eclipse in the Wrong Place

EclipseThe recent eclipse was not supposed to go across the entire United States of America but was supposed to be localized and seen only in Baltimore, MD. “This is shameful,” said one scientist anonymously (but God knew who he was). He continued, “Our figures are accurate as we have gone over the data at least 100 times and each time we have concluded that the eclipse was supposed to have been in Baltimore. There were a lot of disappointed people in the Baltimore area due to God's incorrect data.”

“What can we say?” The scientist concluded, “We hope that next time, God gets it right.”

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

This Rainbowsong assumes that you can somehow get over to the other side of a rainbow. Scientifically, though, it is impossible. The prism effect which is what a rainbow is, constantly changes. In fact, no one sees the same rainbow at the same time because tiny water particles are refracting the sun's rays and different water particles are exposed to the sun's rays for each of us. Therefore, as I said, we all see different rainbows depending upon our position.

The world is filled with people who are attempting to be rainbow jumpers. These are people who insist that you CAN get over the rainbow if you just keep on trying. Rainbow jumpers are obsessed with getting over one particular rainbow. Every time they move, though, they are seeing (and trying to jump over) a different rainbow.

It is best to ignore rainbow jumpers and just move on with your life. They'll eventually get over it.

Amazon Buys the World

In a not-so-surprising announcement, Amazon has stated they have successfully purchased every manufacturer, distributor, and retail establishment in the world (as well as all their customers).

AmazonThis has caused a major corporate conundrum as, for them, businesswise, there is no longer anyone left to do anything with. Jeff B. is planning to go to the moon, but it is unlikely he will find any customers there. What's next, Amazon?

Jeff is eyeing the universe.

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