To the chagrin of scientists everywhere, it has been discovered that Bigfoot has been misnamed. His feet are “normal” after all.
A “Bigfoot” beast has been captured and the first thing the scientists gazed at was his feet which were “normal” in size. When asked who or what makes those large footprints in the snow, the Bigfoot just shrugged his shoulders and claimed he didn't know which the scientists found abominable.
So what DOES make those large footprints in the snow that scientists have been pondering about for so long? It can't be “Bigfoot” because they've already used that name for a “normal” sized footed creature.
There is a lesson to be learned here, said Silas Warner of Topeka, Kansas. “We mustn't be too hasty in naming creatures we don't know too much about. That we named him 'Bigfoot' has become an embarrassment to the scientific community as we can no longer use the name 'Bigfoot' for whatever it is that has REALLY big feet.”
Additional physical characteristics of “Bigfoot” is he is spotted. This changes many nuances of the reporting that we have been reading through the years. When people have reported that “Bigfoot” was spotted, the readers of the various publications assumed that it meant he had been seen but that wasn't the case after all. He is actually spotted like a leopard. Also, he doesn't like brussel sprouts.
We promise to keep our readers informed should any more information become available regarding this unusual “normal sized foot” creature that was misnamed, “Bigfoot.” We don't have any new information yeti, but when we do you'll be the first to knowy.
Many businesses are adhering to a federally mandated program which requires companies to set up a “Quiet Room” where employees and management of different faiths can worship, meditate, and pray during their leisurely moments at work. Equally mandated is a “Noisy Room” for atheists.
Luck Is Rigged
Dr. Gerald Jively had suspected it all along, but now it has been confirmed: Through a special process of elimination and corroboration, Dr. Jively and his associates have indeed determined beyond a shadow of doubt that luck has been put on the endangered species list and, in addition, is no longer fair. He said in a statement written for The Public Review, that both bad and good luck have apparently dwindled to the lowest it has been in years and has, therefore, probably been rigged.
A class action lawsuit has been started against the person or persons who have willingly and knowingly nearly rescinded both bad and good luck. People worldwide are grieving that the statement, “It is better to have bad luck than no luck at all,” is no longer true. Jively added, “It isn't better to have no luck at all anymore.”
If anyone has any knowledge regarding who rigged luck, please contact your local police department as soon as possible. Remember, the luck you save may be your own.
Children Can Now Discipline Their Parents
A new federal law passed by the House and Senate yesterday allows children to discipline their parents if they are caught doing something wrong. According to House minority leader, Jesse Jalem, children may either restrict their parents' play time, television time, or send them to their room to think about what they've done.
Jesse stated, “This could very well improve our family structure and put both adults and children on a more even keel. One part of this new methodology we haven't considered is if both the parent and child simultaneously send each other to their rooms, each thinking the other has pulled a fast one, who, then has the authority to invite the guilty child or parent to come out of their room and say they are sorry if both have been sentenced to time out? We're open to suggestions on that scenerio.”
Representative Jalem concluded his announcement with, “We believe the family will benefit from this new way of doling out discipline. ”
All Priorities Have Been Changed
In a remarkable chain of events, everyone's "To Do" lists have been altered and top priorities have been shifted for everyone in the whole world.
In an exclusive interview with the Fake News Network, Tommy James voiced his complaint.
"This is atrocious. Who had the gall to change my To Do list like this? My priorities have been completely altered. Excuse me but I've got to go mow my lawn now. This is ridiculous. Somebody needs to get to the bottom of this and soon."
Weathermen 100% Correct Now
The weathermen are no longer inaccurate regarding the weather. In an amazing show of innovation, the television weatherman has outdone himself. Through the use of a combination of new and old methods of determining the weather, the weather reports have become 99.9% accurate, 100% of the time.
When asked about some of the methods they are using, television weatherman and scientist, Virgil Clempson, said, "You've heard of the fuzzy caterpillar? We purchased a very expensive strain of them that specialize in weather conditions. You ought to see the little buggers as they dole out weather information which we then interpret for our excited viewers. We also got a high-end groundhog that comes out EVERY DAY to see if he has a shadow, not just once a year. The information he and the fuzzy bugs give us is carefully calculated into our weather data base and stored in our data banks. We've also hired an individual with a pronounced and very sensitive pointer finger to stand outside every day with his moistened finger pointed skyward determining which way the wind blows. We've only just begun collecting our statistical data but so far, yesterday our forecast for today was 100% accurate."
Virgil Clempson summed it all up with this, "The weather has been an inaccurate science for a long time but no more will you have to run for cover in a deluge, quickly grabbing up your picnic supplies, when you've been told that it will be a sunny day. Our top of the line fuzzy caterpillars, high-end ground hog and person with a wet index finger are making bad weather forecasting a thing of the past."
Today in Minneapolis, police arrested James Smith for eating a battery. He was charged, but not with anything. When further questioned, the police found his answers shocking. While he was being booked, he said he wanted to send a wire, but they didn't think that was safe.
James was discharged now so it was safe to send him home. He has promised to eat regular food from now on.
Banana Thought He Was Stalked
George F. Banana thought he was being stalked yesterday, but in reality a monkey which had escaped from the zoo, was just walking down the sidewalk minding his own business.
When we walk down a sidewalk it may look like people are following us or that we are following them, but there is no need to panic or become accusatory. It is a sidewalk, for Pete's sake. People, and sometimes escaped monkeys, walk on it. Get used to it. It is highly unlikely that you are stalking people in front of you or that people or monkeys behind you are stalking you. Get a life. Don't worry so much.
Murphy's Law Is No Longer a Law but a Suggestion
Murphy's Law is No Longer a Law. It is a suggestion. Please notify everyone you know about this change. If anyone still believes that Murphy's Law is a law and not a suggestion, they might ruin it for the rest of us.
Be sure to remember to put on your priority list (if you still have one) that if anything bad can happen, it will is now Murphy's Suggestion. There are no longer any penalties associated with breaking Murphy's Law as it isn't a law anymore. It's a suggestion.
Bovines Now Tipping Humans
Cows have begun patronizing many restaurants in the area and, surprisingly, are leaving good tips for the waitresses. Some grateful bovines have even given the cooks a hoof up on fixing a delicious meal.